Remembrance: For Always
by Tuttle
Summary: Tad remembers Dixie on the one year anniversary of her death. Please R


Remembrance: For Always

_When I was very young, I learned that the world could be a pretty frightening place. And consequently, for a while after I was adopted, I had a kind of a sad little trick. I would lie on my bed at home and close my eyes and try to make the world go away. All I wanted was to live my life with everything and everybody at arm's length, so that nothing would ever touch me again. I wasted a lot of years like that. Afraid. All that changed when I met your mother because when I looked at Dixie, all I ever saw was home. And when I held her, I just knew, for some reason, that I was right where I was supposed to be. No matter what-- Excuse me. No matter what. I finally loved somebody who truly loved me back. The past doesn't just go away, and all too often, I made that harder than it had to be. Most of the time, out of fear. That's what I regret most of all-- that too many times I ended up hurting the person that I truly loved the most. And I didn't want to. Most of the time, didn't even know the reason why. But I swear that she was always first in my heart. She was my life. And I just feel so lost without her. I don't understand why she's not here. I don't understand why I'm never going to get the chance to hold my baby girl. Why I will never get the chance to be the kind of father to her that Joseph Martin was to me. And lately, when I'm not crying, I just-- I'm so angry. I'm angry at everything. I'm angry at the car she was driving. I'm angry at the road she was on, the weather, everything. But mostly, I think I'm angry at myself because the person that I loved the most paid the highest price possible for my flaw, for my fear. I was so afraid of losing Dixie that she actually felt she had to leave her home to follow her heart. And because of that, I lost her anyway. And because of that, I am and I always will be so sorry.   
~Tad_

**May 10, 2003**

The alarm clock on the bedside dresser sounded loudly. Tad Martin rolled over in bed, swinging his arm out and hitting the snooze button. He couldn't manage to get himself out of bed. Maybe if he just closed his eyes. again, the day would be over. But after only five minutes, the alarm began blaring again. Tad swatted at the clock, knocking it to the floor. He brought his hands up and ran them over the short stubs of facial hair. 

He rolled over, swinging his legs over the edge of the bed and taking a deep breath. Grabbing his robe, Tad stood and shuffled out of the room, down the hallway. He walked to another door waited for a moment before he quietly swung the door inward. 

Tad stood in the doorway, watching Jamie sleep. The boy tossed, gently, but didn't wake up. Tad rubbed his eyes as he shut the door once again. 

Tad continued to the bathroom. He walked inside and approached the mirror. He looked at himself in it, running his fingers over his unshaven face again. He reached his hand out for his razor, only touching it briefly with his fingertips before pulling away. 

Why bother? Tad thought outloud. He threw some water from the sink over his face and back through his hair, moistening it slightly. He looked up into the mirror again, this time finding an additional countenance. Tad said, turning around to face her. But she was gone. Just a figment of his imagination. 

It was a disappointment. Even more on birthdays and holidays. But especially today. It was exactly one year to the day that Dixie's car went off the road, killing her and their unborn child. He loved her and he knew she loved him. It had been a year, but he still couldn't accept that she was gone. He wouldn't accept it. 

Before he knew it, nearly fifteen minutes had passed and he was still standing there, waiting, hoping that Dixie would appear to him again. He would give anything to spend even a few more hours with her. But he knew he never would again. He had lost her, he had lost their daughter, and now he had even lost JR. He had lost every connection that he had to Dixie. 

Tad walked back to his room and laid a suit out on the bed. He began to dress, glancing over at the picture of Dixie he had sitting on the dresser. 

_Do you fell like you can't catch your breath? Tad asked. He had just broken Dixie out of Laurel Hill, but there was still enough time, in his mind, to convince her of her true feelings. And you think you're just about to fall? _

_Dixie contemplated. _

_And you know no matter how far you fall, you're never gonna hit the ground? You're just so far above it? And you just keep getting higher... and higher... and you're afraid you're never gonna come down? _

_Yeah... yeah, that's it exactly. Dixie looked at Tad, who had a strange look on his face. _

_It's never occurred to you, has it? _

_Dixie didn't understand. _

_Tad smiled. You're in love with me._

By now, Tad was sitting on the edge of the bed, clutching the photo. Oh, where they were fourteen years ago. He remembered every single second of it. 

Tad took his tie and draped it around his neck. He left it there for a moment before removing it and tossing it aside. After a short pause, he looked at his watch. It was still very early. Too early on a Saturday morning for anything. Tad thought though, perhaps he would just get out of the house. He would leave Jamie sleeping and just drive. 

He grabbed his jacket and his car keys and quickly left the house. He walked slowly out to the car. pausing briefly to run his fingers back through his hair before getting in and starting the engine. 

_I propose a toast, Tad said. Our first, if I recall, but it will probably be the first of many, because I intend to toast to you a lot. _

_Oh, yeah? Dixie asked playfully. Like when? _

_Well, first, of course, there's your birthday, and then there's Flag Day, Arbor Day, Groundhog's Day, Christmas Day, New Year's Day, Hanukkah, Veteran's Dayand then the day I'm going to make you my wife. And, of course, every anniversary thereafter. _

_What, you don't believe me? _

_That's such a wild and impossible dream. she said. _

_Well, you know what they say, a man can't live without his dreams. Can a woman?_

Tad drove around for a while, his mind filled with memories. He wasn't even conscious about where he was heading, but pulled up in front of a building and pulled inside. he stepped onto the elevator. 

_If I had this day to live over, I wouldn't change one blessed thing. Tad said. Not one step that got me here with you, right now. I want to be here. I belong here. I love you more than anything. And what's more, . . .I don't want to live without you. _

_I know. Dixie said. I love you too. My friends and my family and my life, they don't mean anything compared to you. You're everything to me. You and my son. That's what my life boils down to. _

_You are an answer to a very big question: Where's the rest of my heart? Dixie, you're in my blood. You're in a place in me so deep no one else is ever gonna be able to get there again. _

As Tad stepped off the elevator, he ran his hand over his unshaven face. 

I thought you were in jail, Tad heard. He looked over and saw Greenlee sitting at her desk. 

I got sprung, he said. Look, Greenlee. I really had no idea that the commercial was going live. 

Greenlee ignored his comment. If you're looking for Liza, she's not coming in today. 

_If you want to punish me, punish me, Tad said to Dixie just after he had found out he slept with Liza. But don't punish yourself, don't punish Junior. He paused, looking into her eyes. I need you, and I don't want to lose you. _

_I already gave you everything, Tad...everything I am. Tears began to form in Dixie's eyes as she tried to keep herself from crying. I gave you my heart, my dreams, my body and my thoughts, my words. It was a gift, freely given... Dixie grew angry. But you squandered it, and now it's gone._

Greenlee said. Did you hear me? I said Liza's not coming in today. 

I didn't come to see Liza. Tad said. I didn't think anyone would be here. Besides... I just wanted to be alone. 

Greenlee said. He remained standing for a moment. Tad took a seat. I know how you're feeling. she said. About Dixie. Believe me, I understand. 

It's been a year. he said, slouching back. I'm a mess. I lost the one person who meant more to me than anything in this world. 

Your soulmate... the one person who knew you better than you knew yourself. Tad nodded. I know. Just when you think you've found a happiness that will last forever... for always... 

You never stop loving them, Tad said. There's not a single second that I stopped loving Dixie. No matter what we went through. No matter how rocky the road. She always had my heart. He paused. It was the same for you and Leo. 

Greenlee sniffled, wiping her eyes. I'm not exactly a rock. she said. I'm the last person who should be offering this kind of support. 

Tad said, leaning forward. No. Thank you. Thank you so much. I mean... for a person who should hate my guts right now... you've been pretty comforting. 

Greenlee laughed. 

Tad said as Greenlee wiped her eyes again. Tad rubbed his eyes and ran his hand back over his face. Greenlee bit her bottom lip as she stood and walked around behind Tad, resting her hands on his shoulders. 

_We are going to have a wonderful life together. Tad said. It's going to be ordinary and remarkable all at the same time. We get to watch two boys grow up to be men, and give them the chance to be something they've always wanted to be...brothers. We're going to have years of fox trots in hotel rooms in terry cloth bathrobes. And if the past is any indication, we'll probably have all kinds of noisy, passionate arguments, where we hang on to our opinions long after we know they're wrong. And then we'll have a lot of noisy, passionate making up. And then after about 50 or 60 years of that, we'll be at some family reunion and somebody will take a polaroid of us, and we'll look so much alike, you won't be able to tell who's who. _

_Oh, Tad, don't say that, please. Dixie said. _

_No, honey, that's exactly the life I want. Exactly the life I want. Dixie Cooney, will you be my once and future bride? _

__

Tad's conversation with Greenlee really hadn't done much to boost his morale. He still just wanted to be alone. He needed some time just to sit and think. Tad got out of his car and walked into the park. He slowly made his way to a bench and sat. 

_Darling Tad~   
Let me start by saying I'm so sorry for the way that I left you, and I hated doing it. I miss you and I think of you every single moment of every single day. However I left, you must know that I had my reasons, the biggest and best- a secret that I had to keep from you until now. Now that enough time has finally passed and things are beyond changing, I have news that I hope will bring you happiness. A happiness that will outweigh the terrible pain of these last few months. And that when you hear it, that you'll want to share this joy with me forever. I'm pregnant. When I found out I was carrying your child, I couldn't face you because I knew that you wouldn't want me to go through with the pregnancy, that you would be too worried about my heart. But now that I'm in my third trimester and the worst danger has passed, and frankly, there's no way out anymore, my doctors are very optimistic. Tad, I've had a sonogram and an amniocentesis, and our baby is perfect. And, Tad, I'm having a girl. I only went through with our divorce because all I ever wanted to do is keep her. Now that I have, all I want to do is come home if you can forgive me and you can take me back.   
~ Dixie_

He could just envision how things might have been. he could see it clearly. Dixie sitting on the grass, her hair pulled back away from her face. Their baby girl sleeping in her arms. They were happy. They would have been so happy. The delight he had felt, before it all disappeared. 

_Tad Darling~   
You can hear me out in the kitchen whipping the cream for your favorite dessert- something else for you to look forward to. I've probably said I'm sorry ten times by now, but I thought you deserved an apology in writing. I never would have left you and JR except to look after the welfare of our baby. As much as I adore you, you've always taken a backseat to me when it comes to trusting in miracles. I prayed for this to work out, and look at us now- about to become parents again. Thank you for being you- the most loving and giving man in the entire universe. I know I've put you through hell, so from now on I promise it's all going to be heavenly- except for the 2am feedings, the diaper changes, driving lessons, and college tuition. But what do I care? We've got eachother. And you have my heart. Look inside for a preview of what's to come.   
Together forever,   
Dixie_

Tad could feel the tears well up in his eyes. he leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees and his head in his hands. 

She wouldn't like to see you like this, Tad heard. He shot up in his seat, turning quickly. 

he said in shock. What on Earth... 

I'm home. he said. Tad stood and approached him, pulling the boy into a tight embrace. You didn't think that I would let you face this day alone, did you? 

A tear rolled down Tad's cheek as he rested his hand on the back of JR's head. I wasn't sure what to think. Tad admitted. But I do admit that this is a surprise. 

They pulled apart. She's all I've been thinking about lately, JR said, taking a seat. And being out on that boat, away from you and Jamie and Colby... it just made me realize even more how much I needed to be here today. He paused. It's what Mom would have wanted. 

She always wanted to see you happy. Tad said, looking him over. And from the way I see it... it looks like you are. 

I am, he said. I do miss home. I do. I miss Jamie, I miss Colby, and you... and even my Dad. It sounds strange, I know, but... being out on my own has... it's kind of opened up a new way of looking at things, you know? 

She would be so proud of you right now, JR, Tad said. You were the most precious thing in her life. Her sunshine. 

JR smiled slightly. I knew... that I couldn't stay away from here. From everything that Mom loved, from everything that meant so much to her. JR bit his bottom lip. I just miss her so much, you know. And... as today got closer and closer, it just started to hurt all over again. 

I know the feeling, Tad said. Believe me, JR. He put his arm around the boy's shoulder. What helps to get through this now though is the fact that we're together. We're here... the family that Dixie loved. And I just know that she up there somewhere, looking down at us. That sunshine you see... the reason the sun is shining today... that's Dixie. That's you're Mom, JR, smiling down at us. That's her telling us that she's OK and that Katie's OK. And that... it hurts. It still hurts, but it's going to get better. He paused. We're always going to miss her. There won't be a day that goes by that we won't think about her. But it will get better. He paused. And I garruntee you... I garruntee you, JR that tonight, if you go outside, the sky will be star filled. 

She put so much faith in those stars, JR said. 

She gave me the same faith. Tad said, reaching into his pocket and wrapping his fingers around the gold chain and pendant which he carried. So tonight we'll go out... and we'll look up at those stars. And I promise you that Dixie will be looking right back down at us. 

Tad embraced JR once again, the charm still in his hand. The two of them sat together on the park bench, but it felt like there was another person there. And there was. She always would be. 

_I am always with you, Tad said. Always. All you ever have to do is reach down and grab the star around your neck, and you'll know that I'm right there. I'm right beside you. Always._

***Note: The flashbacks (in italics) were taken from AMC in this order.   
1) Tad's Memorial speech: May 24, 2002   
2)1989   
3)1989   
4)Napa-1993   
5)1993   
6)February 9, 1999   
7)May 2002   
8) May 2002   
9) SOS-2001 


End file.
